Monthly Archives: March 2017

My Ex came to dinner…

Last week was a busy one, but fun as I got the chance to reconnect and nurture relationships with friends and family that I haven’t seen in ages! One of those being my ex, who came to my house for dinner with his wife.

A lot of people find my relationship with all of my ex’s a bit weird- I’ve had 3 serious relationships in the past and I’m still friends with those 3 guys. I’ve been on holidays with an ex, my family have gone to the wedding when my ex got married, they’ve shown up for me at my Nan’s funeral 2 years ago.  I still care for each of them and I know they care for me and that’s why we’re still part of each other’s lives.

Now, this wasn’t an easy thing to do and for each one, there was a long period when we did friends with your exhave to keep our distance because emotions were too raw. And, initially with each one I thought it would be impossible we could never be in touch again because of how painful it was.

But I know myself and I know that when I’ve healed, that I consciously try to hold space for that person in my life in a new way. It always seemed important to me; I never really knew why however…..my parents split up when I was young and it was probably the best move that they made for me and my sister. They didn’t suit each other, they grew apart and although they loved each other in their own way it simply wasn’t working. It took an awful lot of work on their part to build a new relationship with each other but they did it and I think they were really good role models for me. That’s what I’ve been thinking at least!

Anyways, I know I had to do a lot of work for me to heal from the hurt of relationships ending, especially the ones that ended really badly. It was really hard, there were lots of tears, anger, tight throat and chest but I did it for me, not for them. I did it for me, to heal so that I wouldn’t keep carrying the hurt.

“Holding onto anger and resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”
Buddha

Now, just to be clear, I am in no way saying that forgiving someone is the equivalent of saying that what they did was ok. It doesn’t mean that you excuse or condone their behaviour- it means that you are doing something for yourself to help yourself move forwards in a light and open way. The only thing you can control is how you feel about the experience. If you’re still drinking the poison and they have moved on with their life- how does that serve you?

It doesn’t.

So, when I felt ready I started the process of letting go and healing. Unknown to me but I was using a  version of a simple yet powerful Hawaiian ritual for forgiveness called Hoʻoponopono. This is how it goes:

  1. I’m sorry
  2. I forgive you
  3. Thank you
  4. I love you

This is a mantra that you use yourself. It’s about taking responsibility for yourself and it calls you to show up in the process of forgiveness. This is an example of how I worked it.

I’m sorry….

I’m sorry this relationship ended. I’m sorry we’ve hurt each other so much. I’m sorry you’re such an ass and I never noticed before now. I’m sorry I didn’t have the courage to walk away years ago. I’m sorry I hurt you because I didn’t have the courage to walk away years ago. I’m sorry I hurt you and I’m sorry you hurt me. I’m sorry we were too young and immature to manage our feelings. I’m sorry we said horrible things to each other. I’m sorry we were so cold to each other. I’m sorry I said horrible things to you. I’m sorry I was so cold to you.

I forgive you.

The ‘I’m sorry’ piece helps with this step as it enables you to view the situation from a different perspective. Most of the time, I didn’t give many reasons here, I just repeated the mantra and thought of the person but to give you some real life examples.

‘I forgive you for breaking up with me by text after we’ve been together for 6 years; I forgive you because I wasn’t brave enough to do it myself when I knew we weren’t right for each other’.

I forgive myself for not being braver. I forgive myself for lazing around the house the past few weeks eating and watching crap.

Thank You…

This is to acknowledge the good times, the reason why that person was in your life, to allow you to see it wasn’t all bad and to thank them. I also used it to thank myself for allowing myself to feel it and going through this process. Also, I’d thank the fact that I was hurt as it meant I cared and to me, that’s a good thing!

I love you…

This one is for you and if you want, for the other person. Initially when I start this process, I may think there’s no way I could say ‘I love you’ towards the other person but most of the time I do!

This process really helped me heal and change how I felt about situations and people. It’s simple but very powerful and it can be quite emotional. You can use this process for lots of different situations- your relationship with family, friends, colleagues, your boss, with yourself especially!

When I changed, the relationships I had with people changed because I was different. I didn’t blame or point fingers because I didn’t need to anymore.  I was able to move forwards, be civil, respectful and allow myself to be my bright shiny self again. I was able to be open to new people and new loves. Sure, I was still scared of being hurt again but I knew that worst case scenario I could handle it.

I’ll be honest, sitting back with a glass of wine and watching your husband and your ex chatting away is a very weird experience but one that I’m so grateful to have!

Every week, I speak with a client who has been hurt in the past and is still drinking poison. Try Hoʻoponopono and see what happens!

To loving yourself enough for you to move on with grace and heart,

P x

It’s our 3rd wedding anniversary tomorrow! Here’s a little peek into our day!

Where are you in your Cycle of Life?

Hey,

I hope you’re having a fantastic week so far! I’m a bit pumped today as I’m sitting out in 25 degree sunshine listening to waves while Sarah is napping! We made a last minute trip to sunshine and I’m really loving the fact that I have the freedom to do this! This was a pipe dream many moons ago! My vision board for 2017 is starting to look more real every day!

I’m in a good phase of life at the moment, I feel like I’m making progress and am feeling really good about things BUT I am aware that this is a phase of the cycle that we tend to go through in life. I came across it a number of years ago and as soon as I saw it in my own life, I saw it everywhere with clients as well!

I wanted to share this with you today because it’s such a useful tool to have to hand. It also helps us be kinder to ourselves as well! I don’t know about you but when I know WHY something is happening or WHY I’m feeling the way I’m feeling- it makes it much easier to navigate through!

It appears that we go through cycles in life and I’m curious if you can pinpoint where you’re at right now? There’s no set time frame for each period but it goes something like this:

  1. The Phase of Discomfort

You’re going along in your life and it’s not great, you feel agitated, uneasy, frustrated in any areas- it could be relationship, career, you want to settle down, it could be financial but you know that you need to make a change. You need to make a new decision, do something different and it is scary. There could be a lot of anxiety, uncertainty during this period and it can last a while, until you make that change or you make that new decision and then you move into stage 2.

  1. The Phase of Pulling Apart

You feel like you are pulling apart at the seams. You’re having to break down relationships, maybe you move house or country, maybe you change career or go back to college, maybe it’s a period when you’re no longer tolerating certain behaviours or people in your life and it requires you to be firm and put boundaries in place, maybe you feel like you’re hurting people you care about but you know you need to do what you’re doing for you. You are pulling apart, tearing down the old to make way and make space for the new. You’ve started a transition of who you are and what you’re about and you move into stage 3

  1. The Phase of the ‘Jigsaw Puzzle’

You’re now in the process of putting the new picture of your life together. Finding the pieces that still fit, creating new pieces. There is of course still uncertainty and you feel a bit wobbly but you are more determined now, you’re gaining clarity and focus. You’re starting to see what that picture could look like and it’s exciting- still scary and oftentimes difficult but you’re putting in that work and you’ve built up your resilience and you move into stage 4 which is progress.

  1. The Phase of Progress

It is so welcome! You finally feel like you’re in the right groove, you’re gaining confidence, momentum , you’re seeing the results of your efforts. You’ve got that business plan done, you’ve been on some really great dates, you’ve lost that weight, you can run that 10k, you’ve saved that deposit- whatever it is for you! You’re thinking life feels good here, it feels charmed and magical. You’re moving forwards and closer to your dreams and you feel aligned- comfy in your own skill and strong within yourself.

The latter parts of this stage can be difficult to navigate- you’re so close to the big result, the big dream and fear often kicks in. Mind monkeys show up and question you- who do you think you are to have what you want? To be happy? Successful? This is normal and so so common and you need to keep moving forwards. Bring in the support teams in this period, bring in the coach, the trainer, the financial advisor- whatever you need to keep you on track! Far too many of us get so close, and then give up. Know that this doubt is often part of the process! When you stay on track, then you hit stage 5!

  1. The Phase of Elation

You’ve done it! You’ve hit the big dream, you’ve done what you set out to do, you’ve published the book, you’re actually travelling the world, you’re engaged or you’ve bought the house, you’ve had the baby, you’ve got that promotion, you’ve started the business! All of that good stuff! You’re there! This is the year that everyone wants to have  and when you’re here, savour it like we talked about earlier! Suck as much goodness out of it as you can! You’ve up-levelled your life and you have those feelings of certainty and being in control- you know everything is ok.

Guess what happens then! When we are comfortable, have a sense of security and certainty about our lives? Guess what happens? We get bored, we get agitated, we get uneasy! And we slip back into stage 1 again!

This isn’t gospel! Maybe you’ll get bored and go back into the jigsaw stage and change a few pieces and then can go back to elation, maybe you’ll stay in elation for a number of years.

All this is a framework upon which you can try and place where you are right now, as well as helping you identify what’s next! So, what resonates with you the most and if you’re were to make a guess- where have you come from and where are you going?

For me, I’m definitely in progress and stepping into Elation and I need to put firm structures in place to ensure I continue to support that as well as bring in something new and exciting to my life to ensure I don’t get bored! Good time for a holiday so!

Something to ponder anyway! I’d love to hear where you’re at!

P x

P.S Check out my Half Day Thrash It Out session! It’s the perfect way to get so clear on where you’re at, why you’re there and create a plan to take you where you need to go! Check it out- it’s the ultimate 1-1!